South Campus Bookstore Windows

Quick question. Is there anybody that goes to this school and doesn't check themselves out in the window-mirror hybrid thing, aka the South Campus bookstore windows outside of Weed Hall, every time they walk by? Seriously though. I do it. Hell yeah I do it. Don't want to walk into class looking like shit. So of course I take a subtle look over at myself to make sure the combover is still tight (aka my hair doesn't look like a fucking brillo pad since that is inevitably how my short hair always looks SMH). If you have been on South Campus at least once in your life, you are flat out lying if you say you've never once given yourself a quick look in these windows.

PS: Erin Andrews is out at ESPN

UMass Lowell Password Expiration

This is easily one of UMass Lowell's brightest ideas. I mean I can't even tell you how many times my email and ISIS would probably get hacked if I wasn't changing my password every six months. Think of how frustrating that would be. Like you go to check your email but everything that you haven't read is no longer marked as unread because some damn hacker got onto your email and read them all. I don't know how I'd function if I wasn't reading UML announcements daily at 12:02. If you think getting your email hacked is bad, ISIS getting hacked is twenty times worse. I mean imagine the embarrassment of someone getting onto your ISIS and viewing your class schedule! Or being able to see the holds on your account! (if you don't have at least one hold then you're doing something wrong.)   Thankfully, nobody really knows what to click or how to navigate the system in order to view your grades and GPA, so no hacker will be able to view that. But seriously, thank God for the biannual "UMass Lowell Expiration Password" email to remind me to change my password. Without it, I would definitely forget to make the change and I'm pretty sure I'd have been a victim of identity theft about a year ago.

PS: I'm pretty sure if you forget to change it within the six month timeframe, you lose US citizenship.

Disney Channel Original Movie: Double Teamed

The last Friday of every month at 8/7 Central, a new Disney Channel Original Movie premiered. Holy Mackerel these movies sucked so good. Actually let me rephrase that. Between 1997 and 2001, the movies were actually good. Brink! (obviously), Halloweentown, Zenon, Horse Sense, Johnny Tsunami, Smart House (get it together PAT!!), and The Ultimate Christmas Present (Brenda Song's coming out party) all came out in this timeframe. Then came January 2002 and Disney Channel released "Double-Teamed." As you can clearly tell from the photo above, these girls look NOTHING alike. But for some reason literally everybody in the movie got these two mixed up. Like I'm pretty sure their parents at one point were like "Hey Heather, wait Heidi, no I mean Heather, wait who are you again?" Can you say unfuckingrealistic? I mean even that girl pretending she was a guy in Motocrossed and everyone believing it was more realistic than that. Another unrealistic thing about this movie was the basketball coach. Fast forward to 4:36:

                         

Telling girls to tackle each other. Letting them know they're in a gym and not at a museum. Informing them of their status as human beings and not statues. Absolutely brilliant. Lebron James would easily have 9 rings right now if this were his coach. Leave it to a Disney Channel Original Movie trying to convince me that this guy coached a high school girl's basketball team. Uhhh hello, this guy is an NBA and Olympic caliber coach. What is he doing coaching a high school's girls team? Disney Channel Original movies, always so unrealistic.

PS: Check out the girl coach shimmying at 4:40.

The Heat

                                              

So it's been brutally hot out the past two days, which only means two things A.) Everyone flocks to the shores of shitty Hampton Beach and B.) 10, 581 different people post statuses/tweets/Instagrams about how hot it is. "Can't believe I have to work outside in this heat!" "OMG it's so hot out #nursingmajorproblems!" (apparently applies to all situations). But you know what pisses me off more than the people who post statuses about the heat? The people who post statuses about people posting statuses about the heat (what?).  Example:

Freddy Frederick posts: "Ewww I'm already sweating and I only just walked out to my car in the driveway! #ephthis."

Mike Jonez posts: Yo f the heat son

Beebee Bluff (I miss the shit out of Doug) posts: So hot out today!

And then you got wiseass Jimmy John posting:

HEY FACEBOOK THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW IT'S HOT OUT I COULDN'T FIND THAT OUT MYSELF. SHUT UP ABOUT THE HEAT.

I mean there's no question Freddy, Mike, and Beebee are being a tad (and by a tad I mean very) annoying. But people like Jimmy are flat out obnoxious. Like it's blatantly obvious that Jimmy is fishing for "likes." He's definitely the type of person that posts a status and refreshes the page every 2.5 seconds waiting to see if he's gotten any more likes. So yeah, people that post the obvious are annoying, but at least you can tell they're not just fishing for likes. Because if they were, they would post something original (or what they think is original). Unfortunately for Jimmy, his wiseass comment has been done billions of times before and I think it's hilarious that someone thinks they're being funny with this type of status (wait, if I think it's hilarious then it is funny and thus Jimmy is being funny and now I'm confusing myself...) Moral of the story: Jimmy, shut the fuck up. 

PS: AMEN Freddy, eph this. 

PPS: Don't stare at that sun picture for a long time. I literally think I just went blind.

Swag

Sniped this pic while in CVS Methuen the other day (trust me, it's a SICK hangout spot). Nice style, bro. Swagger unmatched.

PS: Sorry for the awkward camera angle/shot of my crotch. Needed to aim low so I didn't get the guy's face in the pic.
PPS: I went looking for Multivitamins in the store shortly after this. Nowhere to be found. Hey CVS, you're a pharmacy. Start acting like it.

Hollister/Abercrombie

Having a fresh Hollister/Abercrombie polo and/or hoodie back in seventh or eighth grade was about as essential as having one of these in the first and second grade. When one of your bros called you up to go to the mall on a Friday night, you knew you had to be looking your best. After all, there was a 50% chance your crush would be there (either there or the movies, the only two "hangout" places back then). And looking your best meant rockin' the K-Swiss sneaks (where are they now?), baggy jeans (with a rip or two), and the Hollister/Abercrombie polo (God forbid you wore a polo without the little moose logo embedded on the right chest). Give yourself a spray (or twenty) of FIERCE and you were good to go. We all went through the Abercrombie/Hollister phase (some are still stuck in it...), but thinking back on it, the clothes were flat-out uncomfortable and overly expensive. Hollister was a little cheaper (and more comfortable IMO), but you could not find an Abercrombie hoodie for less than $80 and they were outrageously bulky/stiffer than the competition in this game. But you looked cool and the girls loved it, so you wore it anyway. Seriously though, in retrospect, it's ridiculous that it costs $80+ to support the HCO Surf Team. God I remember thinking I was the shit when I (my mom) bought my first Abercrombie hoodie. Thing weighed more than me, but I looked GOOD. Pretty sure I changed my AIM screen-name to AandFitchkid1892 after that (no lie I really did).


 PS: If you wore Aeropostale you were a square (what does that even mean?)

Good Ol' Lydon

Found these empties perched across a shelf on the fourth floor of Lydon Library whilst on the finals study grind. You stay classy UML.

PS: Girls. Drinking wine does not make you classy.

I Go To UMass Lowell

So I had a dentist appointment the other day and I was sporting a generic Boston College T-shirt. I go up to the receptionist to check-in and she asks, "Ohh, do you go to BC?" I was like, "No, I actually go to UMass Lowell. I just like BC" (I wasn't gonna get into the whole transfer thing with her because I've told that story like a thousand times). And her response was, "Oh, UMass Lowell, there's nothing wrong with that! My daughter goes to BC." Oh, don't worry Mrs. My kids are too good for UMass Lowell receptionist lady, you are not even close to being the only person who has given me this same response. Like if I awkwardly run into my 9th grade English teacher at the grocery store, the inevitable "Where are you going to school now?" question comes up I get the same "There's nothing wrong with that!" response. Like you obviously do feel there is something wrong with it if you feel the need to try and act like there's nothing wrong with it. Let's say I lied and told them I go to MIT, or even less extreme, BU. Absolutely no chance they tell me "there's nothing wrong with that!" No, they probably get all warm and fuzzy and think, "Oh wow, good for you!" It just pisses me off to no end that people actually think UMass Lowell is a bad school. I mean sure, our campus is no UCLA (hey, it's better than UMass Dartmouth (I think?)), and we tend to accept a fair percentage of applicants (still wayyy less than Merrimack), but there's no reason for anyone to think there is anything wrong with someone going to UMass Lowell. Honestly, where you graduate from undergrad is less important than where you went to preschool. So Mrs. Receptionist, you can tell your daughter to have fun paying off her 100k of UNDERGRAD debt. Yeah, that sounds totally worth it to me...


 PS: I hate how in every movie all the characters go to elite schools. Like in "The Last Song" with Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus (I swear I wasn't watching it, I was just waiting for Secret Life to come on...). Liam Hemsworth's character just nonchalantly says "Yeah, I'm thinking about transferring from Vanderbilt to Columbia." Uhh bro, you don't just like throw in an app to Columbia and transfer. They accept like less than 1% of transfer applicants. But then again, it's fucking Liam Hemsworth we're talking here. His brother is Thor.

Mila Kunis

So shrink-rays (see last blog) got me thinking of "Honey We Shrunk the Kids," and "Honey We Shrunk the Kids" got me thinking of "Honey We Shrunk Ourselves" and "Honey We Shrunk Ourselves" got me thinking of Mila Kunis. That's right, Mila Kunis was in that 90's blockbuster playing some party hard teen who just felt the need to dump chip dip everywhere and not give two shits about it. (Fast forward to 5:15). Here's the thing. I remember watching this movie when I was like 6 or 14 (was in that range, can't remember when this movie came out) and thinking Mila Kunis was cute. I was like, hmmm I kind of like her whole tomboy/I'm gonna spill chip dip and not give a fuck vibe. So this basically means I had a crush on Mila Kunis before everyone in the world (I def saw this movie on opening day aka when it came out on VHS because there's no way this was ever in theaters right?) Does that make me hipster?

 PS: You know a movie sucks when you can watch the entire thing on youtube.

North Campus Parking Lot Entrance

The North Campus Parking Lot takes a of of heat and rightfully so. It's always full, congested, and the middle parking lanes are the second most bizzare thing I've ever seen (behind this guy ). I mean yeah, those middle parking lanes are flat out weird, but without them, there would be half as many parking spaces as there are. They actually make sense and serve a purpose. But what makes zero sense to me is the absurd, 2 inch wide entrance to the lot. It's not like any space was saved by making the width of the entrance literally less than the width of any normal sized SUV. Add on top of that the ridiculous yellow cylinder things and you have an accident waiting to happen. Every time I pull in here with my SUV I honestly feel like I have better odds of winning the lottery than I do not hitting the yellow thing. I mean, there are a shit load of marks on it, evidence that so many people have crashed. SMH UMass Lowell SMH (I fucking hate when people use SMH). 

PS: The bro driving that white truck obviously used a shrink-ray. No other way he would have made it through that crevice.

What Grinds My Gears: No Chocolate Milk in the Machine

So everyday after a long grind in the classroom and a long run, I head for a nice nutritious meal at UMass Lowell's finest Fox Hall Dining Hall. And there really is no better way to wash down a stale salad, charred to a crisp burger, and Cinnamon Toast Crunch (no other cereal is in the same ballpark) than with a delicious, frothy, thick cold glass of chocolate milk. And I'll be honest, I don't know what the hell Fox Hall puts in their chocolate milk (do I want to know), but that shit is GOLD. It really is frothy, thick, and creamy. But what really grinds my gears is when I walk up to the machine and notice that little spout is gone, and I know that only means one thing: the chocolate milk has run out. No way I'm settling for that 2% white shit, God forbid skim. Honestly though, there are no excuses. That chocolate milk machine should be refilled the minute it has run out for two reasons: A) It's by far the best only good tasting thing in the joint and B) the most nutritious (seriously I feel like I'm going to need a quadruple bypass after just a bite of anything there). So please Fox Dining Hall, I'm not asking for a revamped menu or setting (which they feel the need to change every 2 weeks and 4 days), but just make sure thirsty, tired, overworked bros like me can have their dose of chocolate milk come dinner time.

 PS: Aramark does not put laxatives in their food. If you're dumb enough to believe that, I'm appalled you were accepted to this school, and that's saying something.

Wal-Mart...Steaks?

So I was just sitting in my room watching the Bachelorette flipping through channels and this gem of a commercial comes on. Wal-Mart steaks. Like it's one thing that Wal-Mart actually sells steaks nevermind advertises them. You would think they'd throw in the towel and just accept the fact that their steaks suck and not waste the time/energy/money to make a commercial advertising them. Serious question though: Who goes to Wal-Mart and buys groceries of any kind? Like just head to the nearest Market Basket, where the variety is twice as good and you will pay the exact same price. Not to mention I think every time I've been in the food aisle at Wal-Mart something has been opened and there's like saliva and fingerprints all over the package. Yeah, thanks anyway Wal-Mart I'll act like a normal human being and buy my groceries at the grocery store.

 PS: Whatever happened to the Smiley Face "Always Low Prices" Wal-Mart slogan/logo? Much better than that "Save Money. Live Better" and asterik shit.

Welcome to UMass Browell

Before I get started on my daily chores (they come in the form of homework, work, catching a bit of the Bonnie Hunt Show (what?)), I like to log into any and all social media sites. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Instakilogram, etc. I also like to check blogs like Barstool to get in a good laugh before the daily grind. Once I've done enough creeping to the point where I start questioning my morals, reality sets in and I realize it's time to get to work. I always think, "I wish there is one more blog or social media site that I can utilize to prolong my procrastination." Ladies and gentlemen of UMass Lowell, here is that blog. Welcome to UMass Browell, motivating students to procrastinate since 2012.